Respecting Our Grief

Your sorrow is sacred. It is important to respect yourself and your feelings now. A quieter time has come, and it may be hard to allow the quiet because so much has happened. You and your loved one have traveled a difficult road, and now you will journey down a different road. Not less difficult, but different.

This new road may take you where you would rather not go. If you don’t feel ready, that’s perfectly normal. It’s hard to slow down, be quiet, and feel the pain, especially when you believe things will never be as they were before.

In many ways, this is true.  Something momentous has happened and your life has been changed. This does not mean you will never be happy again, although it may seem that way now.

Grief is like a fingerprint. It is uniquely your own. And while everyone’s experience is unique, our grief booklet, titled After, provides perspective about the grief process. After is a book about loss, written by those who have experienced it firsthand. The booklet provides small, deliberate steps the grieving can take to feel better. 

Table of Contents

• Natural Grief Responses
• Feelings When Coping with Life Changes, Grief, and Loss
• Some Things That Help
• The Six Needs of Mourning
• The Grief Recovery Handbook
• Help for the Holidays

• Natural Grief Responses

  Grieving the loss of a loved one is painful, and at times, can seem over-whelming. Many of us doubt ourselves at a time like this and we can wonder if we are “normal.” Sometimes it can be helpful to know some of the experiences common to other people. The National Hospice Organization has compiled a list of natural grief responses, and we would like to share this list with you:

  • Feeling emotionally numb and having difficulty believing the death occurred
  • Feeling tightness in your throat or heaviness in your chest or pit of your stomach
  • Having change in appetite, either eating more or less than usual
  • Having desire to smoke, drink, or use drugs in greater amounts than before
  • Feeling restless and looking for activity
  • Finding it difficult to concentrate and having trouble completing tasks
  • Having difficulty sleeping, waking early, sleeping more or less than usual, dreaming of your loved one, and/or sometimes having nightmares
  • Being overly concerned with your health, even developing symptoms similar to those of your loved one (if you have not had a check-up by your doctor recently, it would be a good idea to have one now)
  • Feeling exhausted and lacking energy
  • Feeling low at times of birthdays, holidays, and special occasions
  • Feeling preoccupied with financial concerns
  • Spending money on things not usually purchased as a way to avoid pain
  • Telling and retelling things about your loved one and the experience of his or her illness and death
  • Talking things over with the deceased person
  • Feeling mood changes over the slightest things
  • Feeling guilty for what was said or not said, or for not having done enough for your loved one
  • Being irritated with the wrong person, wrong situation, or at the world
  • Feeling angry with your loved one for leaving you, angry at their disease, or angry with God
  • Having difficulty making decisions on your own
  • Forgetfulness
  • Sensing your loved one’s presence, believing you hear his or her voice, or expecting him or her to return
  • Experiencing an intense preoccupa-tion with the life or death of your loved one
  • Assuming mannerisms or traits of your loved one
  • Feeling as though life has no meaning
  • Crying at unexpected times
  • Not wanting to be with people or having difficulty initiating contact
  • Feeling self-pity and not feeling needed
  • Another response can be relief. You may feel a sense of relief after the death, especially if your loved one’s illness was prolonged or you were fatigued as a caregiver

  These are natural grief responses. No one can tell you how you should be feeling or how long you will feel that way. If you begin to think you are stuck and want some relief, there are small steps you can take when you are ready. Crying and expressing your feelings and emo-tions to others helps.

  Often it is hard to live through a grief experience and then adjust to a new life afterwards. Grievers have a tendency to isolate. Being with other people living through a similar situation can provide the encouragement you need. Deep in grief, one person may say they have no hope. Another person who has faced sorrow may say, “I remember feeling that way, and I feel more hopeful now.”

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• Feelings When Coping with Life Changes, Grief, and Loss

  A broad range of feelings are expected during the process of grieving.  Grief and the feelings associated with it vary from person to person depending on a number of factors.  Some of these factors include: The personal level of importance the loss had to you, your personal relationship with the loss, your past experiences in dealing with loss and change, your health, your support system, your person-ality, your coping skills, your cultural and religious background, and your family history. No one has the same feelings or range of feelings when it comes to loss and change.  It is normal to:

  • Feel sadness and longing for the person, situation, or item you have lost
  • Cry at times you do not expect
  • Experience fear, worry, frustration, exhaustion, anger, regret, confusion, anxiety, despair, or a host of other feelings
  • Feel relieved, peaceful, contented, or spiritual
  • Feel loneliness, uneasiness, helplessness, hopelessness, or depression
  • Want to spend time alone
  • Have a desire to get away or go on vacation
  • Feel disorganized, lost, or unsure of yourself
  • Be a bit on edge or react unusually strongly to seemingly minor events
  • Be overly sensitive when dealing with other people
  • Have physical ailments or symptoms

  It is important to recognize your feel-ings and accept them. There is no right or wrong way to feel, other than you need to be honest with yourself and with others. Grief expressed is grief diminished, so it is important that you express yourself as you truly feel. By doing so, you will be able to work through your feelings and hasten the process toward healing.

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• Some Things That Help

  In addition to talking with family and friends, writing in a journal is something many people find helpful in coping with strong emotions, especially during periods of anger and depression. Looking back over the things you have written can often bring hope for the future.

  During the time after an important loss, we can help ourselves by following a few guidelines:

  • Eat three well-balanced meals a day
  • Get adequate rest
  • Engage in recreational activities on a regular basis (at least once a week)
  • Seek out friends who are uplifting
  • Spend time with understanding people
  • Attend your own spiritual services
  • Practice relaxation techniques or meditation
  • If you still feel as though you need additional help or resources, contact your local Crossroads Hospice Bereavement Coordinator.  They can meet with you, talk on the phone, provide educational materials, offer grief support groups, and can share referral resources for local coun-selors, therapists, and psychologists.
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• The Six Needs of Mourning

  “Grieving” is the thoughts and feelings we have inside after we have experienced a loss. “Mourning” is the outward expression of grief.

  Dr. Alan Wolfelt, of the Center for Loss and Transition in Colorado, has defined six needs of mourning. We would like to
  share these with you.

  1. Acknowledging the Reality of Loss

  This acknowledgement may occur over weeks or months or even later.  Without this acknowledgement, we may think we have faced the reality that someone we love has died, yet find our acknowledgement has been pushed aside.  Talking about our loss will help us work on this need.

  2. Experiencing the Pain of the Loss

  Most of us avoid pain when we can, so the task of letting ourselves feel the pain can be difficult.  Sometimes we have to  experience the pain of the loss a little at a time.  Talking with someone who will simply listen helps us with this task.

  3. Remembering the Person Who Died

  If we want to continue to display photos and keep possessions of our loved one, this should be allowed.  We do not need to let well-meaning friends or family members take these valuable belongings away in an attempt to save us from the pain. The person who died will continue to live on in our memories. In addition to keeping photos and other belongings, we can write down descriptions of our loved one, list their traits, describe their personality, and keep our list with other remembrances.

  4. Developing A New Self-Identity

  In some ways, who we are as a person is related to our relationships — wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, or friend.  This may change when a loved one dies.  We become a
  widow, a bereaved parent, sister, or brother, or a bereaved child.  Sometimes when working on this new self-identity, we find surprising positive changes.  We can accept this without guilt.

  One method of beginning to develop a new identity is to write down your thoughts:

  Before, I used to be__________________.

  Now that _________________________died, I am ________________________.

  This makes me feel _________________.

  Keep writing about the significance of these changes in your life.

  5. Searching for Meaning

  Most of us ask the question “Why?” when someone important to us dies.  We sometimes find ourselves questioning our spiritual beliefs or life at such a time. It can be helpful to write down these “why” questions and talk them over with a minister, a counselor, or a friend who can listen without judging.

  6. Receiving Ongoing Support from Others

  Sometimes our friends and family members don’t quite know how to provide the support we need.  It is impor-tant that we tell our friends and family what we need from them.  This may not be an easy thing to do since our society places such value upon independence and privacy.  Yet, our need for support is real, and there are people in our lives who will be there for us if they know we need them.

  Suggestion

  Note the days you know will be diffi-cult on a calendar (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other special days) and call a friend a day or two ahead of time and make plans to spend part of that day together.

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• The Grief Recovery Handbook

  Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  Yet, many of us believe we should be strong and grieve alone in an attempt to avoid making others uncomfortable. Therefore, we tend to keep our feelings of sadness, anger, pain, regret, relief or other feelings to ourselves.

  To help you identify and communicate these unsaid and undone things, The Crossroads Hospice Charitable Foundation offers a 10–12 week Grief Recovery Method® Outreach Program that will guide you through the steps to help resolve your loss issues and move beyond your grief to richer quality of life.  You can contact the Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® at your local Crossroads Hospice office to learn more about this program and to sign up for the next group.

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• Help for the Holidays

  During the holidays or special occa­sions, our thoughts often turn to the significant people no longer in our lives. This often leaves us with feelings of emptiness and longing. Download our guides for grieving during the holidays below.

  Grief and the Holidays Hope for the Holidays: Helpful Tips

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